I was away on vacation and called home to check in. My brother answered and immediately informed me that Molly, our beloved pet cat, had died."Oh Joey, how could you give me such terrible news, and in such a manner!"I chided him.
"Now how would you have me give you such news?" asked a forlorn Joey.
"Well upon my first call home you might say, "I have some dreadful news. Molly is up on the roof and we can't get her to come down!"
When I call a day or two later you might say that unfortunately Molly fell from the roof but that she is getting the best care possible.
A day or two later you may inform me that the news is not good. You could say, it seems that old Molly took a turn for the worse and, sad to say, she didn't make it after all.
"Oh, I understand completely now. I have taken notes and I won't again make such a horrific mistake," Joey reassured me.
"Now, that we have that matter settled," I continued, "how is Grandma doing?"
There was what seemed to be long pause and Joey finally spoke in what seemed to be a somewhat stilted and rehearsed manner," I have some dreadful news. Grandmother is up on the roof and we can't get her to come down."
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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day. I have no permanent address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "Maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. in Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.
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A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said,
"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:
Lawyer: "At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Flahertie, did you tell the Policeman that you had never felt better in your life?"
O'Flahertie the farmer: "That's right, sir."
Lawyer: "Well then, Mr O'Flahertie, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?"
O'Flahertie the farmer: "When the Policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him.
When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."
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Timothy O’Sullivan and Michael O’Connor were out golfing at the fairways one beautiful Spring day. Just as Timothy was about to chip onto the 9th green, he spied a long funeral procession parading down the road adjacent to the golf course. Timothy halted his swing, removed his cap, and bowed his head reverently in prayer.
Upon seeing his friend responding so fervently to the funeral procession Michael said, “Timmy, I am amazed at ye. That is one of the most remarkably touching things I have ever seen ye do. Ye are truly kind and a man of God, ye are.”
To which Timothy replied, “Well, ye know, it’s the least I can do. We were married 35 years, we were.”
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Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish wake?
A. One less drinker!
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Neil was watching the Bills game when his sweetheart Jo called from the kitchen," Do you ever get a sharp pain in your head that feels like someone is stabbing a voodoo doll of you viciously in the back of the head?"
"No my love, I can't say I have." Neil replied
"What about now?"
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As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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Walking into the pub, Neil said to the bartender,"Pour me a stiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Neil replied, "herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!
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