Happy St Pat's Day~Funnies

I was away on vacation and called home to check in. My brother answered and immediately informed me that Molly, our beloved pet cat, had died.

"Oh Joey, how could you give me such terrible news, and in such a manner!"I chided him.

"Now how would you have me give you such news?" asked a forlorn Joey.

"Well upon my first call home you might say, "I have some dreadful news. Molly is up on the roof and we can't get her to come down!" 

When I call a day or two later you might say that unfortunately Molly fell from the roof but that she is getting the best care possible. 

A day or two later you may inform me that the news is not good. You could say, it seems that old Molly took a turn for the worse and, sad to say, she didn't make it after all.

"Oh, I understand completely now. I have taken notes and I won't again make such a horrific mistake," Joey reassured me.

"Now, that we have that matter settled," I continued, "how is Grandma doing?"

There was what seemed to be long pause and Joey finally spoke in what seemed to be a somewhat stilted and rehearsed manner," I have some dreadful news. Grandmother is up on the roof and we can't get her to come down."

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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day. I have no permanent address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "Maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. in Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.

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A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. 

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." 

The priest said,

"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when 

you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: "At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Flahertie, did you tell the Policeman that you had never felt better in your life?"

O'Flahertie the farmer: "That's right, sir."

Lawyer: "Well then, Mr O'Flahertie, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?"

O'Flahertie the farmer: "When the Policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him.

When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

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Timothy O’Sullivan and Michael O’Connor were out golfing at the fairways one beautiful Spring day. Just as Timothy was about to chip onto the 9th green, he spied a long funeral procession parading down the road adjacent to the golf course. Timothy halted his swing, removed his cap, and bowed his head reverently in prayer.

Upon seeing his friend responding so fervently to the funeral procession Michael said, “Timmy, I am amazed at ye. That is one of the most remarkably touching things I have ever seen ye do. Ye are truly kind and a man of God, ye are.”

To which Timothy replied, “Well, ye know, it’s the least I can do. We were married 35 years, we were.”

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Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish wake?

A. One less drinker!

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Neil was watching the Bills game when his sweetheart Jo called from the kitchen," Do you ever get a sharp pain in your head that feels like someone is stabbing a voodoo doll of you viciously in the back of the head?" 

"No my love, I can't say I have." Neil replied

"What about now?"

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As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

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Walking into the pub, Neil said to the bartender,"Pour me a stiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?"

"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Neil replied, "herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did."

"You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!

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The Family Reunion (Childhood Memories)

We looked forward to it all year long. When I had a hard time going to sleep my older sisters' would remind me to think about it. I don't know if this helped because all I could think about was that I hoped it would come soon. Before the reunion was hardest. Was rain in the forecast? Perhaps it would be canceled. "..it will be no fun sitting out in the rain, " my dad chided.

I didn't care if it snowed as long as we made it there. It was a long drive but well worth it. 

"The water is cold (in the pool) !,"we were warned. It didn't matter. The whole experience was something that couldn't be matched elsewhere. 

We looked forward to seeing our cousins, aunts, and uncles. We drank in the sights, sounds, and conversation and recreated them over and over in our minds until the reunion rolled around again the following year adding to our memories of this wonderful experience.

May I have a pixie please? (Childhood Memories)

Elvis. That was the name my oldest brother tagged me with. I'm not sure which (Costello or the king) it was in reference to but I suspect it had something to do with my hair grooming. 

Much to my chagrin I was born into a family with parents who were staunch supporters of pixie cuts with short (the shorter the better) bangs.

While I admired the hair styles of my classmates and dreamed of the day when I would grow my hair out long enough to put it in a 'palm' I tried to work with resources at hand. I discovered that I could accomplish a rough version of my idealized hair style with vaseline -albeit quite a large amount. I slicked my hair straight back off my forehead and reveled in the results however short lived. My mother apparently objected to my extravagant use and the jar disappeared from the medicine cabinet. Foiled.

Alas another opportunity arrived at my doorstep when my mother made an appointment with a new neighborhood hair stylist-Charles. He wet my hair and slicked it back-just the way I liked it. He teased me further by cutting the back leaving only the bangs. It was perfect! He asked me how I liked it. I was thrilled! Finally I had found someone who shared my good taste in hair styling. I was a little worried that my parents would not like the style and make me go back but I figured if I stayed out of sight it would grow on them. Then in a flash it ended. He removed the clip holding the long bangs back and snipped.

I should have known they were all in on this conspiracy. I reassured myself there would come a day when they would let their guard down. Patience.

Pee Wees (Childhood Memories)

It was the mom and pop grocery store we went to before the big box stores took over. My mother made a list and we followed it. It wasn't very big but seemed to have everything we needed.

Sometimes we brought the groceries home in a wagon and once I remember a sled. I imagine both with disasterous results.

There was a boy who delivered groceries and when there was an order for delivery the cashier would hit the floor with her broom stick to signal him.

There was a gumball machine by the door that we liked to check in case someone forgot to collect their gum or left a penny behind. Hope springs eternal.

To Caz Pool on a Summer Day (Childhood Memories)

It was a near daily trek. A way to break the monotony of summer vacation and cool off during the hot humid summer Bflo. weather. 

It was free to get in the pool but perhaps there was a charge to rent a basket to hold your valuables in the locker room. When we left the locker room to enter the pool we had to pass through a cold shower: a shock for sure. 

The pool was always cold but we didn't mind much. The diving pool had three boards . I never made it to the highest one. The concession stands held the forbidden fruit. We could smell the popcorn and cotton candy but never had money to buy. I don't know anyone who did. 

I think I remember the walks to and from the pool the best. We met up with friends along the way and some not so friendlies. I remember a group of older girls chanting,' a quarter for the poor.' I guess they figured it wasn't worth shaking us down because they wouldn't get anything and left us alone after awhile. One nasty cuss picked up the coin (a nickle) that a friend had dropped and challenged her to recall the year if the coin were to be returned. She could not and it was not.

P,S, we were not allowed to go to Caz pool  at night, I was sure the water was warmer then but I'll never know,

Running Away from Home (Childhood Memories)

I think we watched one to many 'Leave it to Beaver' and the idea of running away from home piqued our interest. 

Our mother or older in charge sib never seemed to notice our disappearance and I don't believe our departures lasted too long. 

Our escape route was always the same. Depart by way of the alley on the side of our garage. I can remember packing light and using a pillow case to hold our valuables. 

Our destination was the dead end street behind ours (Juniata) where there was a creek. It seemed to be a whole different world; a green valley uninhabited by adults where our imaginations could run wild... that is of course until we reminded one another that supper was at five and we were catapulted back to reality.

Christmas: Children, It's not about the presents.(Right!)

As a child when I had a hard time going to sleep my older sisters would tell me think of something good. That something was most likely to be Christmas, our once a year family reunion, or Crystal Beach (more about the latter two later). No matter how many times I was reminded that Christmas was about giving and about the birth of Jesus it's hard for a child to think of anything more wonderful than the surprises of Christmas morning.

We rehersed our performance throughout the year. Who was going to assure that we were up on time? We certainly couldn't depend on our parents or the older siblings for this important task. We practiced sliding down the bannister very quietly. An efficient technique was of utmost importance. If my parents heard us on the stairs and yelled that it was too early, 'Go back to bed!' we measured the displeasure in their voice. Once we had made it down the stairs and into the front room we were home free. There was no stopping us now and my parents reluctantly relented that another Christmas morning had officially begun.

It wasn't so much about how much we received but the fact that we were sufficiently surprised that mattered most. When writing our 'dear santa' letters we always were reminded by older siblings to add that request in case the items we had requested weren't available. We were also given the evil eye if our requests were deemed excessive and reminded about the evils of greediness by our 'been there,done that' older sibs.

And so, although I think it is important to remind our children of the true meaning of Christmas I don't fault them nor do I think their excitement and concern with things other than spiritual are harmful or should be discouraged. It is with maturity, age, and intention that we gain a deeper perspective of what the holiday represents and are capable of appreciating this understanding as well as accepting where our children and others are in their spiritual journey.